all about me


This blog has been on the back burner for far too long, but I’ve thought of it often. I took a break in October with the promise (to myself? to my 3 readers) of coming back in a few days and clearing the air. But I honestly had no idea what to say.

My blog reading began in 2008. I had gained 30 pounds and was trying to jump start a new fitness regiment. While at the local 24 hour one day, I looked at the list of available fitness classes. I saw Pilates. Truth be told, I wasn’t really sure WHAT pilates was. I’ve heard about it (even recalled an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. that mentioned it), but what was it exactly? So to Google I went, and upon searching for reviews on 24 hour fitness Pilates classes, I inadvertantly found Cara’s blog. So I read it, and was hooked. Through her blog, I found “big blogs” like Jenna’s, Tina’s, etc. and from them, other “smaller blogs”. Who knew that there was a whole blog world devoted to healthy living? Fact – I didn’t know what Google Reader was before I started reading Healthy Living Blogs!

So, I read and I read. Eventually I started logging all my meals and workouts on Sparkpeople.com and created a blogspot blog (a web address I can’t even remember) where I blogged for about a month.. I was motivated and I felt like I had found a support system. I considered myself to be a lurker on most blogs, but was posted on various Sparkpeople forums. Eventually, I lost the weight and was living a healthier lifestyle.

Somewhere along the way, I caught onto Personal Finance blogs. I began reading bloggers like Single Ma’s, FB and Give Me Back My Five Bucks and strived to become financially fit as well. Again, I started a blog and promptly abandoned it weeks later.

Eventually, I stopped reading blogs altogether. I wasn’t sure why at the time, but for some reason, I wasn’t drawn to them anymore. I let my Reader fill up and only glanced at it here and there. And then, just like that, I started reading them. I had gained some weight and was becoming too irresponsible with my money. And then, this blog was re-incarnated. I was at a loss,however, with what direction I wanted to take it in. I decided not to blog about PF because I wanted to keep this somewhat public. I wasn’t about to publicize it amongst my friends and family,but I wouldn’t go out of my way to hide it. So I decided to go forward with healthy living. And again, I was stuck. I had no idea what to say. Posting about my food and workouts made me nervous. I had ideas for posts in my head, but failed to blog about them because I kept playing the comparison game. My eats weren’t as healthy ( I don’t eat big salads, am allergic to nut butters and hate oatmeal – FOR SHAME!), my workouts were nothing compared to other bloggers( I don’t run sub 10 min miles, I couldn’t ride a bike to save my life,I don’t have money for a yoga studio membership, I don’t even wear Lululemon). I didn’t have helpful advice or interesting stories. There were so many blog cliques, how could I ever fit in?

Shortly before I stopped blogging again, the whole Marie Claire fiasco occurred. At first, i was fiercely defensive of the bloggers in question (and of the blog world). But, I began to realize that there was some truth in the story, if not necessarily about the “Big 6”. I thought back to my break away from blogs/sparkpeople, and I realized that while I was at my fittest/”healthiest” at the time, I WASN’T HAPPY. I was pushing myself too hard. I was constantly comparing myself to bloggers. I measured/weighed out every single morsel or bite of food I ate. If I slipped up and ate popcorn or nachos at the theater, I would get SO angry with myself. I emotionally ate, and subsequently fell victim to other disordered behaviors.I felt like I had to run races in order to be “healthy”. Thus, I ran a race i wasn’t ready for. I’d go on vacation, and if I didn’t have a gym available, I’d find the nearest Target/Wal-mart and buy a workout DVD to use inside our hotel room. And still, even on vacation, I logged every single bite. I wasn’t enjoying my food, I was feeling guilty about it. I wasn’t enjoying working out, I was pushing myself too hard. I was crying because I wasn’t good enough, or didn’t have enough discipline. I was perpetually cranky. Instead of recognizing how far I’d come (losing the weight, developing healthier habits), I had the mindset that it wasn’t good enough, that if I worked harder, I’d be better. Mixed in with an already low self esteem, I was starting to hate myself. It took me awhile to realize how unhealthy all of this was. I wasn’t myself. I was subconsciously trying too hard to be like everyone else. (The same occurred, on a smaller scale, with personal finance blogs. I tried so hard, but just like healthy living blogs, I would hate myself would I couldn’t be as disciplined as PF bloggers).

I’m much better now, but I still struggle sometimes. Blogs aren’t innately bad. I’ve learned a lot from them (delicious recipes, fun apps, useful websites such as Sparkpeople and Mint.com, etc). I just need to be careful with how they affect/influence me.

Which brings me to today. Why bother blogging if I don’t have anything substantial to say? But I do. I’ve decided to blog for me. If I want to talk about my workouts or something delicious I ate at a restaurant? I will. But I won’t force myself to. I can write about how much I spent here, there or everywhere…but I won’t HAVE to. There may or may not be a million posts about my dog.Or there might not. I won’t cry if I don’t have millions of readers. But most of all, I’m going to try my very hardest to do what’s best for me, without making comparisons to anyone else. I am who I am, without forcing myself into any one box.

Today, I am going to blog for ME. Who that is, I’m not quite sure, but I look forward to figuring that out. For now, I’m ok with having a blog that “lifecasts” rather than “mindcasts”. That could be subject to change later on, and that’s ok also. I’ll consider this a stepping stone into the world of blogging =) Hopefully, I’ll be able to find my voice, and my own niche in this huge community. There’s a lot of good in the blog community, and I would love to be part of that greater good. For every bad thing I’ve experience, I’ve experienced at least three more great things!

For your viewing pleasure – F.R.I.E.N.D.S. “The One with Rachel’s Other Sister” aka the first time I ever heard of Pilates!

I turn 28. at that point, i can no longer toy with the idea that i am in my “mid twenties”. Although, I guess if I’m honest with myself, I’d admit that I’ve been in my late twenties for the past year.

I’ve had a lot of visions about where I thought I’d be at 28 years old, none of which actually reflects my current life. I feel like all the pieces of my life are slowly coming together, in a weird game of tetris. Pieces that I never would have imagined working are now fitting in seamlessly with one another.

I’m the first to admit that I’m not always the most optimistic person. Some may go as far as to call me jaded. Like most people, I’ve had to deal with some of life’s typical lemons and I’m definitely not the girl who takes lemons and makes lemonade out of it (enough lemon drops to make me hazily recall whether or not I’d done/said something I’d regret but never lemonade). Unfortunately, this negative outlook had a detrimental effect on my relationships with friends, family and most importantly, myself.

Life is better right now, much better than I could have ever hoped for. It’s not perfect, but what is? I acknowledge that there’s room for a LOT of improvement in my life, and I’d like to set some goals for the three month countdown until my birthday.  Not all of my goals are feasible by December 15th and I won’t consider myself a complete and utter failure at life if I haven’t accomplished everything by then. Really, it’s more of a check-in date, a date to hold myself accountable to. If December 15 rolls around, and I haven’t done anything to accomplish these goals, then I have no excuse to complain about anything.

I’ll have to give these goals some serious consideration and hope to set them by the weekend.

Has it really been over a YEAR since my last post?! If you could consider eighteen words to be a legitimate post, that is. Haha. I’m not even really sure who I am addressing, as I never really shared this blog with anyone.

That all changes today. This blog used to be “anonymous” but I no longer feel the need to censor myself. I feel that I have grown a lot as a person, and would love to share that growth with people. However, there are still a lot of changes that need to be made in my life, and I hope to be able to document those changes here.

I’m 27 years old and have lived in Southern California for the majority of my life. I was born and raised in Los Angeles County and moved to San Diego for college. After graduation, I found a job in San Diego and embarked on the wild journey that is called adulthood.

Long story short, I got a bad case of the dreaded quarter life crisis and I really let it affect my life in a negative manner. Insecurities, jealousy and confusion lead me to a life where I began to hermit myself away from friends and gained almost 40 pounds. Bitter Betty, Debbie Downer, Negative Nancy…they were all my friends.

Over the past two years, I have made a solid effort to live life in a more positive manner. While life isn’t perfect (and when would it ever really be?), I have learned to appreciate everything and everyone I have been blessed with.

I lost all the weight I gained, but lethargy has allowed it to slowly creep back on. I am currently working on eating healthier, working out more and just becoming more fit. I am not a runner by any means, but I have signed up for a few races this year. I’ve always wanted to run races but have never really kept up with training. If paying for these races won’t motivate me to train, then what will?

Hopefully I will continue to keep up with this blog, even if it is just a platform of accountability for myself. There are so many wonderful blogs on my google reader, and I would love to thank the bloggers for being so inspirational, truthful and just plain awesome!